DebicellaMath

by: Russell's 10

Sun Oct 24, 2010 at 00:12:35 AM EDT

Let's see... this is 2010... and he's turning 36... so subtract the 36 from 2010 and you get the obvious, factual, real number:

2003!

If you're confused, it's because I'm using DebicellaMath™, and you use regular arithmetic.  Using DebicellaMath™, numbers are only worth 20% of their usual value.  The great thing about DebicellaMath™ is that it lets you completely minimize the effect of all your radical, impossible-to-actually-implement ideas.

For example, let's say you want to take the love of your life on a glorious one-week vacation somewhere, and only stay in 4-star hotels.  Normally, you'd be looking at a $3500 or $4000 trip at least.  But with DebicellaMath™, you can fulfill your promise to that special someone and you'll hardly even notice the cost!  Awesome, isn't it?  

Or, let's say you want to promise cutting federal spending without mentioning any specific cuts.  Normally, you'd need to come up with at least $368 billion by slashing Medicare by at least 22%, or privatizing Social Security (but, darn it, you promised not to do that, even though regular arithmetic demands that you must).  Instead you can DebicellaMath™ your way to painless, magical cuts that make themselves once politicians are "forced to make trade-offs" (what's on the trading block, exactly? "I'll let you keep Child Nutrition if we cash out the EPA?  Electric Boat's contracts can be canceled if we decide to go ahead and fund FEMA?").

And there's this gem — you'll find this one on the front cover of your DebicellaMath™ textbook:

That one actually uses Advanced Placement DebicellaMath™ since it reduces the verifiable, real, factual number by 88%.

That's why PolitiFact gave John Boehner a big, red, FAIL when he tried to pass off the $400 billion in unspent stimulus canard two and a half months ago.

Happy Birthday, Dan!  I hope your 36th is as fun as your 26th, which happened just two years ago.